Someone must've slotted their dirty little flash drive into my USB port and left a lovely steamy deposit of piranha style virus on my PC.

Needless to say, a week later my computer was beaching itself like a sad whale giving up for no apparent reason.

My bro, being the doctor of everything that opens and shuts, beeps and clicks, took a look at my sick computer.

Drew: "Why did you turn your anti-virus off?".

Me:  "What? I didn't touch the anti-virus thingy. I wouldn't even know where to find it if...
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Everyday there's a new company trying to convince a group of people that they need something that they've done quite well so far without.

How on earth are you supposed to choose from such an enormous range of washing powders which are only playing with a 10 to 50 cents competitive mark? I would love to see every company getting creative, being a little daring, pushing the envelope, exploring the reactions of the public and watching society blossom into a creative mess of free-flow edgeyness!

As...
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No matter how boring your job is, there is no excuse for using lame signage and posters. Every business deals with people, and people want to have a good giggle... don't let a suit or hard-hat tell you otherwise.

I came across a list of the cleverest sign boards which are posted outside different businesses. Here are my favourites:

1.  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

2.  On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

3.  Sign on the back of another Sept...

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Step 1:  Be conceived.



Step 2: Be given birth to.



Step 3: Look like hairy, male genitalia for the first week.





Step 4: 7 days old - Grow a tiny bit bigger and develop black patches of skin in random places.



Step 5:  13 days old - Fuzz up a little and sprout black hair to match skin tone. Start to look a little cute.



Step 6:  17 days old - BAM! You're adorable!


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Surely it’s the parent’s job to make sure that their homes are healthy and their children are well fed. ‘Well fed’ doesn’t mean breakfast, lunch and supper… three times a day. It means three well balanced meals throughout the day. The only balancing many overweight families know is that of their plate on their supersized  tummies while operating an Xbox controller. Health fail: BIG time!

Dietician Juliette Kellow, suggests the following diet for children’s packed lunches:

Good b...

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Over the past two decades, a desktop computer, the internet, social media and cellphones have weaseled their way into our everyday lives. Nine to five no longer consists of rustling papers around one’s desk, tapping away on a calculator and doodling when ‘bored’ *cough* procrastination *cough*.

Long lunches are now spent at desks, noses smudging the computer screen while scanning Facebook News Feeds.

Technology. Our daily functioning is affected by it. The way we plan, communication and o...

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Next time you’re tempted to tell a little white lie, just remember that there is always a trail of evidence leading to the big hand of truth pointing its big fat finger at you.

Mom: “Dalene, who ate the last cookie and didn’t refill the jar?”

Dalene: “Erm, I dunno hey! I think it must’ve been Drew” (note the famous ‘blame it on the sibling technique’ – usually quite effective).

Mom: “Oh, okay, I see. Well, once you’ve brushed the crumbs off your jersey, will you go call h...

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I used to run around my house with long pieces of material covering my hair; pretending I was a princess with long flowing locks. Cute for a seven-year-old, not so cute for a 13-year-old.

Ariel, Cinderella, Belle, Sleeping Beauty – I pretended to be them all. Putting on an American accent and striding around in those plastic little princess shoes you can now buy for R24.99 at Shoprite. I was a little madam that believed in a world of colour and happy endings. My imagination gave me imaginary...

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Things Ayoba:

1. Finding ten bucks in your pocket, you didn’t know you had.
2. High-fiving your friend when you find out you’ve unawares arrived at the pub at Happy Hour.
3. Losing a dress size and gaining confidence.
4. Being able to sleep in on a Saturday morning.
5. Seeing your nemesis gain 10 kilograms (*queue evil laugh*).

Things Not Ayoba: 

1. Sitting on Santa’s lap and feeling his candy cane poking into your leg.
2. Realising that you’ve been walking around with toilet paper st...

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“Rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read” – Frank Zappa.

“Rock journalism is people who can’t write…” Its not that they can’t write, it’s just that it is a waste of time to write about something that doesn’t really matter. Unless you’re exposing great evils of the earth to society in the name of public interest, can you really call yourself a journalist? Ozzy’s insights into his latest drug binge getti...

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1. You learn a new language: Leet Speak.
2. When something is on your mind you update your social media sites, not your written journal.
3. Your nails are always short because you can’t type with long ones.
4. The internet has become part of your everyday life and when you don’t have it, you don’t know how to function without it.
5. You don’t get as much vitamin D (from sunshine), from sitting in front of the computer.
6. You use google instead of using the library.
7. Reading funny online content...

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Have you photo-bombed someone today? I have! It’s a game of give and take. One day you’re the bomber, the next day you get bombed. The Middle East would sooner achieve world peace by using this version of the bombing game. Death by laughter. Take it! Feel my wrath!

There are two main styles of photo-bombing. Neither style more awesome than the other. Intentional and unintentional bombing are what make up the world of priceless moment-in-time shots, begging the question: “What’s that in...

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Ingredients:

1 ball1
1 whistle
11 testosterone raging men
1 large patch of grass
1 soccer manual

Instructions:

Take soccer manual and explain game to 11 men. Place ball in the centre of large patch of grass. Blow whistle. Within minutes you will see heat rise. Leave on field until black and blue.

Serving suggestion:



Whoever said soccer isn't a contact sport has never played before.



I can see the ball!... and smell it too!



Header. You're doing it wrong.



What a stud!



Karate Kid ball crunch. Wrong ball.



Painf...

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After running an errand, don’t you hate coming back to your car to find that where you chose to park, a gaggle of very annoying, super lazy promotions company employees has plastered your car with an array of flyers promoting parties you won’t go to and muti recipies you aren’t going to try?

 

As if it’s not enough that we get bombarded with penis enlarger email spam and sms’s from our cellphone network provider’s marketing team. Spam has gone ‘mobile’.

 

It’s no use hav...

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Honesty is one thing that will never be over rated. We all know at least one guy who is always ready with the tallest stories. You nod, smile and secretly think – What an idiot. If you hope to get even a shred of respect from people, it is better to practice a little honesty than talk a lot of bollocks.

We’re made in a pretty awesome way. We have these built in lie detectors. Like ...

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Meet Julius Malema. Claim to Fame: The World’s Biggest Douche Bag.

I visited Malema’s website (yes he has his own website *roles eyes*) and have taken these two paragraphs off of his homepage.

"It is widely know that woodwork is not one of my strengths. Call me controversial or arrogant, but my view of my personality is that of a confident African child who is not ashamed of who he is.

This will be my playground (yeah, I know some clever journalist thinks I'm immature and should get a sand...

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Accidents Happen. They just do. The only problem with that is that sometimes accidents just happen at the WRONG time! Often the last thing that you would want to go wrong, usually DOES go wrong. Good ol’ Murphy’s Law!

Don’t worry, you’re not alone, bad things happen to good people around the world everyday! Here are some unfortunate occurrences which happened to others.

Cake in...
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For centuries people have been excelling in various genres. It is my mission to acknowledge these people and they way in which they have made their mark.

The Best Golfer - Tiger Woods

He may not be able to keep it in his pants, but the man does play an exceptional game of golf. Continuously bringing his A game on the green, Tiger has Wow’ed audiences everywhere winning tournaments l...

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Creativity + Creating Awareness = Success?

I love the fact that people and organisations are using their creativity for a good cause. A good public service announcement gets your attention. But then what? So they managed to get your attention, but what are going to do with it? A good public service announcement isn't a great public service announcement.

Rape. Child Abuse. Lung Cancer. O...

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Innocent people get hurt. Millions of people are emotionally scarred, millions of eyeballs will never be the same again. Images of terror burned into the subconscious of many an unsuspecting bystander.

See the truth for what it is. Stop lying to yourself. It - just - doesn’t - FIT - you.

For yonks, the efforts of women’s magazines and even dedicated television channels (The Style Ne...

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What exactly does 'the sound of one hand clapping' sound like? I imagine it to be something like this:

Smack. "Ouch".

There are many differentiations - pretty much any sound made by a hand connecting loudly with someone's face... and then, of course, the yelp of pain coming from the slapee*.

*Daleneville Dictionary Definition: ‘slapee’ (noun) the person on the receiving end of ...

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"Maybe you’re impressing your investors. Maybe you’re impressing Wall Street. You’re not impressing us." - No. 69 The Cluetrain Manifesto thesis.

An organisation’s first priority? The bottom line. The more investors they get, the more money they make. It's pure greed.

They are ignoring the market by only aiming to impress investors. One message, one mission, one tactic.

We turn ...

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Travelling the world with purpose in mind,

A mission for growth and learning to find.

Zest for life, eager to explore,

Open minded and yearning for more.

Mind like sponge, heart like glue

Worldly appreciation finding you.

Guided by whim, unafraid to discover,

Curiosity affair, the unknown is your lover.

Nothing to fear, no emotional cost

True to belief: not all who wander are l...

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After an exhausting day of, well, just about everything, there is always one sweet sanctuary you turn to. Sleep glorious sleep. There are few things better than finding that perfect position conducive to heavenly sleep. Wrapped up, snug in your blankie, your head pressed in the perfect position on your pillow: ready for your bed to swallow you whole as you drift into dreamland.

What fe...

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Satirists have been poking fun at serious issues for decades, which has evoked many a fair giggle. However, sometimes people just go too far…

The internet is filled with mounds of information *blah* *blah* which is accessible to anybody with a service provider and the ability to use Google *blah* *blah*. In browsing this infinity of content we find awesomely creative and funny content, until we don...

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Excuses excuses excuses. All the time. Why we can’t do this or why we won’t do that. Excuses are the propellers that drive your hand to wave opportunity goodbye. Courage vs stupidity. The trick is learning to tell the difference.

I am sure I can speak for the majority when I say that we try to live our lives relatively dumbass free. We understand that having no previous skateboard ...

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Imagine being a piece of bubblegum. What an adventure! Not one for the faint hearted or germaphobic, but one for the curious and eager.

You start your colourful life in a safe paper-come-plastic wrapper, sitting in a large clear jar with your identical relatives all around you. Daily you watch as dozens of wide eyed, chubby fingered, little people shuffle in and out of the candy stor...

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Some people have a soft (expensive) spot for handbags or shoes, but my addiction is one far more practical. Sunglasses. I’ve always justified my sunny collection on the fact that sunglasses have an SPF. That African sun, plus direct iris action, equals disaster. Sunglasses are essential, whereas handbags give you back problems and heels give you bunions (eew). So really when you look ...

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People are weird. We are. We’re complex creatures with insecurities and quirks on a journey to find out who we are. Embracing our individuality means acknowledging our hopes and fears. It's all very serious stuff until you hear what kind of fears some people genuinely have. I don’t mean to poke fun at other people’s fears… wait a minute, what am I saying? Yes I do!

Ever heard o...

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I’m a surfer. Not in the conventional sense however. I surf in my tracksuit pants and Springleap t-shirt, not my wetsuit. I run a browser, not the length of a beach. I enjoy carpet under my toes, not sand. I’m the internet surfer. If you’re reading this blog post then you’re an internet surfer too. Awe’ bru.

There is nothing better going online for one thing and realising hours later that you’ve viewed profiles, watched videos, caught up on news; you now know who is dating who and ...
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Pet fashion has just sky rocketed in the past few years! Paris Hilton went public with her latest, breathing fashion accessory… Tinkerbell, her Chihuahua pooch who is significantly smaller than any handbag Paris has ever owned!

Dog owners around the world enthusiastically bling out their furry friends with everything from feathers to diamonds! Can anyone say crazy? I’m all for dres...

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What are the odds of fish actually falling from the sky?. The chances of a pig flying? A cow jumping over the moon? Yeah, I thought so. Largely Impossible.

How sad. Our society is one that doesn’t believe that ANYTHING EVERYTHING is possible. If someone told you that a cow jumped over the moon you’d chalk it up to a gullibility prank. What you wouldn’t do is flash a grimace of ...

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Any Disney fan would know that Pocahontas seems to know what the colour of the wind is. However, for those of us that aren’t moving 2D images, we have don’t see wind as having colour, unless you’re under the influence of narcotics.

Ask someone taking the ‘dye’ drug what colour they are and they’ll tell you that they are blue. Ask someone taking LSD what colour their submarine...

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A generation of talented graphic designers and artists have created many an image accepted and loved by society. It is a new generation of designers and artists who have come along with the same appreciation for art, however, they view this art with a satirical eye, seeing potential in every piece. The Pieter Dirk Uys and Zapiro of the graphic parody world!

No work of art, no matter ...

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I know what I would like to say. I know what you’d like to hear. I know that everyone’s inner child comes knocking when this question is posed. I want to say that if I was boss, I’d install free gumball machines around the office, and the common room would have a Nintendo Wii installed. I’d love to say that daily I would call random employees into my office to give them a cookie...

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Two people came out of a building. What a pair. A high-heeled middle aged woman in a tweed coat clicked down the stairs as a stout balding man scurried after her.

“Listen,” she snapped, “I told you, my mother left me this ring; I am the one keeping it safe until we find a buyer.”

She had no intention of entrusting him with the ring. The man who managed to lose keys, misplace readi...

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Gunfire darting through the streets, dynamite illuminating the alleys, screaming women and children running for cover. The baddies have reigned chaos in the city and it’s up to *insert cartoon character name here* to save the day. All in 2D.

There are so many superheroes out there to choose from, but which one is best qualified to tackle villains day after day? Hmmm.

Superman always see...

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What is ‘designer public relations’? The phrase has not officially been coined as of yet, however, I intend to have a hand in contributing to its meaning. You get designer handbags, designer shoes, designer jewellery, so why should public relations be any different?

Usually when something is ‘designer’ it has its very own brand name so that people can differentiate between their ...

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If I were stranded on an island alone, what three inanimate objects would I opt to have at my disposal?

After wandering around the island aimlessly for about an hour trying to figure out how the hell I got there in the first place, I’d probably find a comfy patch of soft sand to ponder on before ordering my three objects from the magical genie lamp.

I would probably try my luck an...
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For many women, hearing Respect by Aretha Franklin means foot tapping or animated singing into a hairbrush. For others, however, it’s a corner stone of what they stand for: equality among men and woman.

Marriage is alone a feminist issue, I mean, how fair is it that based on the values of Polygamy men get to take more than one wife. But hold on a minute, what is it called when a woman takes on many husbands? It’s called ‘unheard of’, that’s what. Where is the equality in that? After ...

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